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subsribe to LemMeOuts funny picture  of the day

Hello friends, I harbour the notion that today’s tale should be used for public information purposes as to the hazards of attempting to tame titanic tides.   Here in this picture of turbulent and choppy surf is yours, with my life in the Great Providers hands, truly.   I had once, foolishly, again, after watching a highly entertaining series of 70`s circa, crime and surf busting characters, been lured, nay! downright seduced, and had willing succumbed, into rushing headlong to partake in another of your supposedly great sporty activities.   Yes after much riding of my rugs, carpets and now part-worn parquet, admittedly without much success, every time the bewitching theme tune did glamorously   da da da da daah daah   -   da da da da  daaah onto my screen and permeating my, yes I admit in retrospect, doo lally senses, giving birth to urges to display my sporty sea prowess by taming cresty briny breakers, yes I did feel I could face the frothiest of sea surf.    To further feed the uncontrollable Honolulu inspired urge I had listened incessantly to 60’s harmonious and rousing rock and roll anthems by beachy type Californian boys, that made me deliriously happy and barely able to contain the need to seek sun, sand and this perilous sea sport.   With retrospect I would say this McGarrett, law enforcing, chap and his well buffed sidekick Danno, Donny, Daffy, whatever! should be thinking twice about luring people to particiapate in such dangerous sports among violent foes. I had surfed, pardon the appropriate pun, T’interweb with more than cursory glances in my quest to soak (again pun apology) up sufficient info to become a proficient pro and was equipped with borrowed, rather battered, but hopefully still capable of crucial buoyancy, board, and raring to go.  I had inveigled a hitched lift in a friends hoodie, (see even relating the tale entices me to lapse into the vernacular) and after having had the foresight to enquire as to the hue of the intended sea, any range of shades of blue and green being perfectly acceptable, whilst any semblance of a brown, no doubt chemical and dubious other undesirable combo laden, shade, was out. Well we arrived at the desired, and I now with hindsight add dastardly, destination and partook in a quick revisionary lesson of, goofy foot, carves, hang heels, pop ups, duck dives and aerials to name but a few nuggets of surf speak of which, had I not been pre-informed, I would have assumed I had clumsily stumbled  nto an incorrect class of questionable activities.  Then off we did trot to embrace Mother la mere moving magnitude with nought but a lengthy piece of polyurethane form protecting yours, ready to brave the waves, truly from the untoward perils of murky depths.  Well to say twas a disaster from the word go was an absolute understatement and a disaster of which, was spent in absoluteness, under the stated murky depths. Catastrophe did come about without much, nay! any, delay, and my good self was promptly bobbing among, up and mainly under the briny, without the aid of my soon departed polyurethane pal now turned sea pet on its length of security leash. Well having seen  both the films Jaws and Nemo I was muddled emotionally as to whether to ‘be afraid, be very afraid’ of razor toothed sea beasts or whether to go looking for cute and colourful clownfish with whom to frolic and go on lengthy quests.  Without any apparent choice the fear factor did win and yours, expeditiously treading the tumultuous tide, truly could not, despite any amount of endeavour, quell either tide, whether of ocean or emotional origin. Well Nemo was well and truly out of the picture of my minds eye, which I had wished I could physically whittle or gouge out, as twas filled was sharks, dozens, nay! hundreds of the feral and fanged ferocious fish frolicking away ready to feast on my wildly flaying feet.      Yes I rotten well know! sharks detect even the mildest of electrical impulses given out by stimulated muscular activity, yes I rotten well knew this!  but could not control my, taken over their own control, lashing limbs,  so therefore I envisaged every sea borne shark that did inhabit the entire global oceans to be rushing to my, surely enough to power the northern hemisphere, magnetic come-on.   I put it to you my, fibbing if you do not agree, friend, would you keep unconcerned and casually cool when in similar fear filled occurrence with nought but uncontrollable mind trickery intermittently flashing multitudes of fanged flesh eating foes and contradictory ‘water treading for buoyancy purposes’ and  ‘stay still to stay safe from shark’ tutorials all running hither and thither amok my mental state and oforementioned minds eye.  Why I even had visions of those in captivity, in trance like state, head-butting themselves silly out of their walled domesticated confines in relentless attempts to pursue my powerful polar pull. Aaaaagh one cad had gored a gangly leg, Aaagh another beastly fiend is feasting upon the furious flaying other, ouch! there goes another of these disagreeable carnivores consuming my corpulent extremities.   I shouted out to my still cavorting chums “tell my family I loved them” and then did amidst the furious feasting, faint. I regained senses amidst a sand and sun drenched congregation all bearing an apparent lack of concern as to my physical and why! surely consequential mental state, the jocular tone did highlight this fact. There were insensitive jeers about my predicament and when I feebly queried the state of my person and questioned ‘had all bits and appendages been accounted for’  I was briskly informed my appendages were intact with, additional appendages in fact, and yours, the truly brave, truly did peer down and was ecstatic to find all indeed so, but I had apparently acquired two sea pets of crustaceous kind that were clamped with non relenting grip to my briny battered body and the evidence of a Portuguese man of war, having done great battle at some point due, to an abundance of unsightly whip like weals and welts. Well one gathered jester apparently lacking in any medical insight but not apparantly in humour did offer to perform a bodily function upon my person to provide a salve for my sores, but yours, ever inquisitive, truly had previously researched this more than likely myth, and found through a 50- 50 quantity of questionable debate on the Tinterweb, concluded it held no apparant therapeutic powers or concrete medicinal credibility and was mainly through such perpetuation as evidenced in LOL situation comedies and the like as to its healing powers.  Due to this previous diligent research I did not wish to be subjected to this eager function by 'young comic chap' upon my scars lest it not only bring forth no results but leave me scarred for life mentally in addition to the physical lacerations I therefore preferred to err on the side of pain. Suffice to say, I recovered, made a small fiscal gain from my crustaceous unwitting booty at a local establishment of fishy edibles, so the day was not a total waste, and I have vehemently resolved only to pursue sports that are capable of being performed from an arm chair or similar comforting state and further resolved to bestow upon the sea the respect it deserves and never again try to tame it, best leaving it to those of exceptional necessary skills or foolhardy mind.

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