Tis poppycock the suggestion that this was a vanity exercise by my good self, twas nothing more than a jest fest betwixt pals, there we were amicably engrossed in the midst of a reasonably favourable chin-wag when my portly pet pal inquires of my good self if I had ever had even the mildest contemplation as to whether he was of arresting appearance and muscular, I hastily corrected him with portly, advantage.   Well I put it boldly to you that I battled with feigned nonchalance and the on-rush of discomfort at this, I considered, over familiarity and was just about give vent to this fact and depart without any further delay, well just sufficient delay to inform the presumptuous pet that his appearance, resembling that of oft portrayed companions of Dickensian hoodlums was most like as not to 'have him arrested! when my departure was also arrested as said pet meekly disclosed he had been lacking in luck with the coveted object of his loving advances.    Well yours truly was now riddled with conflicting sensory states of curried sympathy, the still, but now guilt tinged, discomfort, and a rapid onslaught of boredom coupled with the desire to go off on a bout of pleasuring the good public with my presence, therefore informed him most sensitively that he must not dwell on his, yes, apparent lack of qualities that delight the eye and consequentially unsuccessful endeavours and I, deciding to partake in the sport of tease, informed him that to up his chances in said mission of woo he must do as yours truly does and detract from the obvious attracting lack, of course this was evidence of said tease as yours truly did not have such lack, by careful choice of less easy on the eye, than one's own self, companion,  Well! before I'd had chance to chuckle and to carry on with the sporting tease of why! had he not wondered, was I, in his very own company, the enraged beast belying his portly and sluggish gait flew with surprising agility upon my good self and a kafuffle ensued, that was far too rugged for my sensitive demeanour, of much vigorous bodily contact and verbal assaults.

Clearly a misinterpretation of the intended tease had occurred therefore resulting in an overly  perturbed pet.  He continued with the aforementioned rugged rage with, it must be said an almost admirable, intent to pummel a retraction of the, apparently said rage inducing, statement from yours, by now regretful, truly.

After much beseeching by yours, now quite pained, truly we agreed upon a cease of such rugged warfare and I suggested acquiring the opinion of a third impartial party hence what you witness before your very own good self. 

As my canine chum is clearly of sensitive nature I implore you to act in caution upon delivering your verdict, and suggest you might study with care the facts before you be branded a clay brained clod, as who, if bestowed with even a smattering of senses, could in all honesty subscribe to the belief that my appearance was a competitive handicap when faced with such evidence as you witness before you, the beastly bounder has no redeeming features, a wily countenance and has shamefully resorted to some kind of optical trickery in an attempt to attain triumph.