of the day
Well here you witness a most unfortunate, mysterious and obviously negligently unresolved incident. Yours, in-demand, truly had been begged to appear on a daytime, less than favourably slotted, chit-chattery show, so I agreed to accept the last minute appointment purely as a favour and with a view to impart some of my own expertise drawn from my luminary status as chit-chattery host.
On the appointed day and fashionably late there was I, rehearsing a few anecdotes to fill the show obviously with far more interesting than its usual entertainment content, in my appointed dressing room and already the unfortunate victim of clearly an administrative blunder from some dunderhead which had resulted in yours, pretty miffed, truly being far too tightly compacted for comfort into a little more than a clearly hastily improvised utility closet full of antibacterial fluids and a motley assortment of cleansing implements and to grind the proverbial salt, and I swear twas most maliciously, in to the not only deeply insulted but no doubt consequentially mentally scarring wound, this Barry potter type room had to be shared with not only the, as evidenced above, far tooooo cute enfant terrible aptly named by my good self as the tiny tot trickster purported to be a professional practitioner of the art of ventriloquism whereby with the aid it's accessory also toooo cute duck aid did less than satisfactorily attempt to sing, but I appropriately correct with glug glug glug whilst simultaneously supposedly drinking from a stereotypical tot type top Tommy or tim tippee whatever beverage vessel. I ask you! please! for the sake of the future of entertainment stick to tried and trusted Stars such as yours talented truly, I mean where’s where the novelty factor in all that.
Well! as if that wasn’t enough somebody, Nay! no doubt a number of bodies had exercised surely force majeure, to prise another and, would you believe octogenarian, guest body into the now dangerously threatening to asphyxiate negligently improvised area. Now I assure you I harbour no discriminations of any kind particularly against long gone youths but must be defensively vocal when my talents are pitted against a less than effective rendition of a medley of 25 national anthems in it felt like as many exasperating and closely confined rehearsal hours in a doo wop or hip pop rap, or whatever, style on a comb-paper-lastic-band-combo, and which I most vehemently do declare twas was no such thing it was an absolute misrepresentation of the most fraudulent kind as it was nothing less than a, doo lally tap motley mess-up of annihilated and I swear definitely unpatriotic ditties of which the only redeeming feature was the portability factor which meant after the painfully endured guest appearance the chap was departed without undue or nerve jangling delay. That all said he was sweet, bless!
Well Yours, ever eavesdropping oops I meant alert truly, overheard the producer as I happened to pass by his office which was a truly luxurious impressive top floor suite, as I had foolishly lost my bearings on the way to makeup in the basement, saying that he thought the ventriloquist baby was a truly unique act and in his professional opinion, thought a regular spot might go down with the, (and I impart surely congregation of buffoon type) viewers a treat, well yours, instantly, and not just, perturbed, truly was ready to rectify his surely artistic and catastrophic for the programme mistake by offering my good self out of my charitable goodliness to aid, not hinder as the child would surely, the rating factor, but heard him shout most aggressively and tell that green freak of a thing that I’ll have non of his egotistical malarkey on my show, well I can only assume he had got the jokey green giant or some incredible bulk of a person but given the tone I felt I best to wait for a more opportune moment and went of to have words with the trick-chattery bambino regarding this clearly catastrophic faux pas.
Well to cut a long story short not long after there was yours truly was in the midst of rescuing, as evidenced in the piccy above, the said bambino with partner in rhyme duck doll, when in barged an entourage of obviously negligent nanny type guardians and programme crew and what followed was an offensive hullabaloo, yours truly did instantly proclaim ‘what kind of cad would engage in such an activity thankfully I chanced upon him the child in time’
Well the guardian must have clearly misheard and perhaps thought I had said ,
‘I had become enraged and pounced upon the child of, and I still state pathetic, rhyme,
and so the nanny companion was close to blowing a fuse and did label yours truly with the most offensive, unrepeatable and definitely not prestigious titles and it was only because the producer did shout ‘ Stop! ‘due to the extremely high premium, we are not insured for untoward incidents in the cleansing department’ that she was forcibly and successfully prised by a multitude of persons from my, undeserved of assault, and I still maintain near heroic, person.
I composed my self and stated ‘Madam I fear you are in want of a more than a little decorum and I find myself appalled by your implications and suggestions, J’adore small offspring why I am thinking of adopting a few dozen as I’m a Star you know with a public awareness to maintain, I find your accusations insufferable and by the way I think the person of diminutive and tightly bound bodily stature is not so tightly bound in entirety and has performed a bodily function of some nasally offensive blunder and therefore my heroic rescue mission was near aborted’
and as the still restrained guardian of the now odour-ly offensive offspring was lurching with I must say admirable resistance I added
‘I shall depart without delay and you can kindly forward on my gaffer tape and other remedial apparatus that I carry for purely for emergency aids that were clearly robbed from my accessory carry case by the pilfering perpetrator and I turned to the producer and said ‘I hope you are insured for theft in the antibacterial department’
I then scampered without the further delay and I bitterly add any pay and then I went in search of salves to ease the chaffing about my person, why! it felt as if the top layer of skin cells had been removed by some adhesive contact means or other, most bizarre and well I leave you to draw you own conclusions and ask in my favour you do note that I have mingled with toffs and glitterati and have no need of petty practises.